I woke up an hour before my alarm goes off after going to bed at 1am and am so. incredibly. angry. right now. I know some of the reasons, but I’m so taken aback my own self because I never wake up angry. Hell, I rarely get angry.
I have loved my time in TX so far, and really, I have never felt like I could be myself anywhere but here, but now? I’m starting to get people telling me that I need to change who I am because they don’t like it. And as much as I so desperately want to say “Go fuck yourself, I am who I am.” I just can’t. Because I’m a people pleaser and I want people to like me and sometimes I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore.
I’m SO sick of being torn down from the last few weeks. At the end of last week, I had honestly never been so entirely exhausted in every sense of the word. And it got a little bit better this weekend when I went away, but coming back has brought guilt because I wasn’t around and my students play guilt-trips on me for not being here for every little thing. I deserve one weekend off. I had been here and worked for 10 straight weeks without one.
I just don’t know what to do about how much anger is pulsing through me right now. I’m not usually an angry person. I don’t want to be, but how do I get this anger out? I just don’t know.
Okay. I need to get this out. I LOVE my job. Like seriously, it’s pretty awesome. I love my students, it’s challenging, and (most of the time) I look forward to it. But does it have it’s frustrating moments?
Hell yes.
I have not had internet in my office for a full week now. Almost everything I do is on the computer and needs an internet connection. Thankfully, I have my laptop and just bring that with me (it’s the ethernet connection that’s down, not wireless, but the computer doesn’t get wireless), but what would I do if I didn’t have a laptop?
And the people. Good god, the people. There are many of them that I love, but there’s also a bunch that I wouldn’t mind if I never saw again. Now I get it that I’m the new person, but there’s one person in particular (who is also new), who is clearly given praise at every waking moment and knows it, and flaunts it. But there’s really no reason why she’s on this pedestal, and it’s annoying and even demeaning to myself and the other new people I work with. Like, what makes her the greatest thing since sliced bread?
And finally, my duty partner. One of the sweetest girls ever, but a little dense, and let’s face it, the last two nights, I’ve done almost all of rounds by myself or with a different coworker because she either had a meeting during the same time or an incident happened and she had to deal with it (totally fine- that’s our job). I guess it’s just that it seems to me that obviously, she’s not here for the career- she’s here for the job and that bothers me. Not necessarily that it happens, but that it’s so blatantly obvious that you’re not really invested. For the last three and a half years, all I have wanted is to be where I am today, and it just hurts to know that someone could have just waltzed in without caring in the slightest, while I fought and struggled.
In new places or situations, I tend to take the role of quiet observer before figuring out how I can fit into the already existing place. And when this happens, it usually takes people by surprise when I finally decide to grace them with the me that I tend to hide at first. So imagine my own surprise that I don’t feel like I have to do that here, that I don’t want to, and that I have no plans to. I told one of my coworkers last week or the week before (my life is such a blur at the moment, I honestly don’t know when this happened), that I’m usually quiet at first when in new situations. He looks at me with a face that suggests I’m full of shit, to which I responded, “Yeah, I know. I can’t shut up here, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
But that’s just it. Nothing is wrong with me. It’s literally blowing my mind how, for the first time in my entire life I feel like I can 100% be the person that I am without censoring myself or worrying about other people accepting me. It’s weird and SO incredibly empowering to suddenly realize that you have the mindset of “I’m going to be me, and if you don’t like it, fuck off.” Because in my 24 years of existence, this is something so completely new and… revolutionary, that it’s hard to wrap my head around it.
It also baffles me that I seemingly had to uproot myself 1800 miles from home in order to find myself. But honestly, this is the me that was always here… I think it just took 1800 miles and a completely new atmosphere for me to realize that I have nothing to hide behind. Which is such a good thing.
I feel like I’m in a weird place (life-wise…physically, East TX is just plain weird). There’s a lot of question marks in my life at the moment… That’s what happens when you accept an interim position on the other side of the country. So I feel like I’m hanging on for dear life most of the time, but I’m also kind of okay with that. Which is weirding me out because two years ago this would have killed me.
I guess I’ve just realized that I am in the right field and know that career-wise, I may not know the exact path I will take, but I know the general idea and I’m totally happy with that. Yes, there are days when I don’t want to wake up and go to work, but I never regret it. The bad days are usually good too. I get frustrated a lot. I’m still not completely confortable/confident about everything (which is to be expected a month into a job that you had no formal training for), but I feel good about the decisions I make and actually really love that I can have more intelligent conversations with my supervisor since I’m the only HD he supervises that is master’s-level. And he doesn’t seem to be annoyed by my incessant questioning yet. We’ll see how long this lasts since he just moved into the office next to me.
I don’t know. I really don’t know how to say what I’m feeling, other than it’s good. I miss my family and friends like woah, but generally, I am in a fantastic place right now (other than having been sick for a week and a half). It’s exciting to me that even with all this…change in my life, I’m so content. I guess because I never thought it would actually happen for me. But I believe they say that hindsight is twenty-twenty, and it’s strange to look back and see things so clearly and yet different than they were at the time.
I don’t think this actually makes any sense to anyone but me, but for once in my life, that’s okay. I’m good. And that’s all that matters.
7:00am: Alarm goes off. snooze.
7:09am: Alarm goes off. snooze.
7:18am: Alarm goes off. snooze.
7:27am: Alarm goes off. open eyes and glare at alarm.
7:30am: Alarm goes off. concede to waking up.
7:32am: Get up and start day. shower, dress, think about breakfast, pack bag for day.
8:55am: Decide which of my three buildings to visit second. the one I live in is always first by technicality.
9:00am: Work, work, work. visit each of my buildings, go to meetings, host meetings, talk to students, learn. text my boss and ask some question that has cropped up.
11:38am: Head to lunch. have to beat the lunch rush at noon!
12:23pm: Head to Res Life office. pass in paperwork for the day, chat with colleagues/supervisor’s supervisor, etc.
12:48pm: Head back to the office of choice for the day. more meetings, hanging out with students, wayyy more learning. definitely text my boss and ask some question that has cropped up.
4:00pm: Look at clock and acknowledge that my office hours are done for the day. continue to work anyway because I have a ton to learn/do.
5:49pm: Decide I’m hungry. text other HD and make plans for dinner.
6:00pm: Dinner. cafeteria food and going over our days. I look forward to dinner a lot, actually….
6:58pm: Head back to my office to work on things some more. organize paperwork, prepare for the next day, stare at the computer screen blankly.
9:00pm: Do a quick round of my buildings and check in with on-duty CAs and desk assistants. get caught up in a conversation somewhere about something.
10:30pm: Decide it’s time to go home for the night. continue talking to my students for at least 20 more minutes, if not longer.
11:10pm: Put sweatpants and t-shirt on, crawl into bed. catch up on life outside of my campus bubble.
11:47pm: Try to go to sleep. my brain is too full to usually let this happen.
12:08-12:46am: Fall asleep eventually. 3 out of 5 nights, get a call to respond to something just after falling asleep- toilet won’t stop flushing, fire panel sounding, etc.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
And as much as I’m absolutely exhausted and feel like a crappy friend because my job has taken over my life and I’m available approximately never, I’ve never been so sure that I am in the right field and doing what I love.
Ahaha. I was a math major and still mostly thought that. IFF!so glad my major doesnt require math
(Source: br0ther, via rachelreportslife)
I told Bestest earlier today [technically yesterday], that I hadn’t cried since I moved to Texas so I knew when it happened, it would be a big one. And while I’m not necessarily “crying,” there is tear juice leaking out of my eye and I find the reasons behind it strange. (To clarify, not crying the “big one”… at least not yet.)
I’m perusing FB when I come across someone that was once a mentor to me. And it just makes me sad. I don’t think this person truly knows the impact that they had on my life, and while I miss the fact that I could once trust and confide in them, I’m way more upset that they’re unable to see the me that I am now. Because the me that I am now, is WAY different than the me then. I’m still a perfectionist to a fault, I still set insanely high expectations for myself, I’m still quiet when in meetings when I know I should contribute. Those things haven’t changed, but the me otherwise has become more confident and sure of myself and I totally just realized that 6 days into my new job, I got this. I will make this happen and I will be good at it. Failure isn’t an option. And not because of fear like it always used to be, but because I’m just not going to let that happen. I’m doing this for me, and that is the biggest change ever. My heart is set on doing this job and doing it well, and that I will do. And so I’m sad that they only ever saw that completely timid, unsure me when the confident and sure me is so much better. But whether they know it or not… they are part of the reason that I am the me now. And while part of me wishes they could witness the me now, I’m content knowing that that mentorship has ended and they are just a piece of my history that I can build from.
I think it’s weird that I’m not finding it weird to not be a student this year. For the past 21 years, I have always been a student and this is the first year I’m not defining myself as that. Perhaps it’s because I have had little to no time to comprehend this fact, but I totally thought it would be weirder for me than it has been (which has been not weird at all so far).
Maybe it’s because I just moved 1800 miles from home and am still trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing (and by that, I mean get people to give me at least some basic guidelines that I need to follow). I’m also not as nervous as I thought I’d be about all of this job stuff… I’m blaming that on having a pretty awesome AHD who has been doing far more than his share.
I’m not really sure what the point of this post is… I kind of just felt like I should document me actually moving across the country and starting a job. But I kind of have nothing special to say. Other than my apartment is weird. It’s obvious that they just added doors to student rooms to make an apartment, but damn. It’s maddd awkward.
Lalalala. I really wish I had my car. And a different pair of shoes. My feet are going to fall off after all the (awful, awful, awful) blisters I’ve gotten.
I can’t figure out how to end this and I just got distracted by looking for new sandals, so I’m going to do that and click post. It’s not like anyone reads this anyway.
(via fuckyeahnathanfillion)
Oh Cap’n.Simon: How do I know you won’t kill me in my sleep?
Mal: You don’t know me son, so let me explain this to you once. If I ever kill you, you’ll be awake. You’ll be facing me, and you’ll be armed.
Simon: Are you always this sentimental?
Mal: Had a good day.
Simon: You had the Alliance on you, criminals and savages. Half the people on the ship have been shot or wounded including yourself. And you’re harboring known fugitives.
Mal: Well, we’re still flying.
Simon: That’s not much.
Mal: It’s enough.
Firefly Episode 1: Serenity.
(via fuckyeahnathanfillion)
The power you have is like a current dragging me deeper into the ocean, away from the safe space I’ve made for myself since last time. But without fail, one word and I’m dragged away- my feet pulled out from under me back into the unknowing, back into the shame and doubt that came before. So please. For my sake, stop it. Know when to leave it well enough alone.
I do.
Had a dream last night that I was at a concert. Blake Shelton was performing with Miranda Lambert and he brings out this huge toy dinosaur on stage. He tells the audience that the dinosaur needs a name and people start shouting names out. This is when I discover that I’m like two people from the front and start shouting a name (I wish I could remember it because it was awesome and inappropriate all at once- just how I like things). Anyway, he chooses my name and I get to go up on stage and other than meeting both of them, I get to keep the dinosaur (score! I love dinosaurs!). It’s at this point that I notice Miranda is extremely pregnant, which now makes sense since she was sitting down the whole time. The dream then changes and I’m in big room that looks like a party should be happening any minute. As I’m looking around, Blake comes out and he is wearing the most awful outfit and by outfit I mean shirt because he had no pants on. So he sends me to the store to buy him something. When I get back from the store he grabs what I bought him and then is riding in a monster truck. Then I woke up and am still just as confused about this mess of a dream.
